Men who are violent towards women tend to hate themselves. They hate that they feel vulnerable, and most of all, they hate feeling ashamed. Men’s feelings of vulnerability and shame, in conjunction with feelings of strength and protection, when not adequately integrated (i.e. the idea that one can be both vulnerable and strong at the same time) are a lethal combination.
Society ignores and shuts down men’s feelings and needs. When a person or a people is shut down, the result is shame. Moreover, it’s women and men who make men feel ashamed. A man who is ashamed is at risk of violence to himself or violence towards others.
The tragic reality is, self-medicating on violence buffers against feelings of shame, inferiority, and depression. If shame is the pain, then grandiosity is the quick fix. With all the vitriol against men and the responsibility that men must either stop hurting women or stop other men hurting women, no-one pauses to consider it is primarily women who raise and socialise men who hurt women.