I was a Lieutenant Colonel in the New Zealand Defence Force

Even when I was made a Member of New Zealand Order of Merit MNZM, in the 2005 Queen’s New Years Honours list, it was like a bit of a hollow victory as I still felt that I had let people down and some individuals had lost their lives.

This conflict within me was between my own sense of competence as an Officer and my sense of denigration of myself regarding the harm of others.

Intensive flashbacks became strong and were associated with traumatic events, particularly the ones in which the death of others occurred.

These became highly disruptive in my life and remain as disruptive nightmares today.